


An Angel Here, An Angel There... (AU)

by amethyst86



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom, winchester - Fandom
Genre: AU, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 15:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3295961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethyst86/pseuds/amethyst86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fic based on the film 'city of angels' but adapted to suit Dean and Castiel.</p><p>For those who know this film... I promise you a happier ending!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

# An Angel Here, An Angel There...

## Chapter 1

I stand on the beach, the wind blowing on my face, I know this as fact, but I cannot feel it. I lean my head back and close my eyes. I try to imagine the cool air on my face, the feel of my hair blowing backwards. I try so hard but it's impossible.  
I lean my head back down and I watch the tide come in, as beautiful music fills the air. The melody is out of this world, no one on this planet could recreate this, or in fact, ever hear it. It's something that Angels would call a 'perk of the job.' It's peaceful to stand here at dawn and just listen.  
The sun has risen now, and the music stops, the thousands of Angels around me start to disperse, I also turn away from the beautiful view of the ocean in front of me. Duty calls in, what I call my job. It's not really a job, it's something I've known since I was created, 'helping' people.

Some people would say I was evil. The fact I help people cross over to heaven in their last moments in life is hard for anyone to see as a good deed. The fact is, if I wasn't there to help these people cross over, then something else would be, and that would be something evil. Either that, or the persons spirit gets trapped on Earth as a lost soul, we don't like leaving people to roam the Earth as the living dead, so we help them.  
I am an angel of death. There are a lot of us out there, because, basically, there are a lot of people out there, and frankly, I can't be there for everyone when their time comes. Gabriel, another angel of death, is one of the only people I talk to in this world. We discuss what happened during our day, and help eachother out with how we are feeling. We both feel upset and angry at our situation sometimes.  
I mean, we get to see people wandering around the Earth, They can touch, feel, smell and taste, four senses that Angels don't possess. Anyone would be bitter, even for the shortest time, if they could see all this and not be able to do it themselves.

****  
**  
**

Sometimes, the people we help cross over, have questions that are difficult to answer, and if this occurs, I will go to Gabriel or vice versa and we will work out an answer. We always get back to the person who asked. The good thing is, I suppose, we do get to see the people we have helped a lot. We can stay in contact. I like this, as it gives me a chance to ask them questions about life. My favourite question to ask is, what did they like best about life. Some people get stuck, and stumble over different memories, finding it hard to pick one thing. Others can answer quickly, without a moments hesitation. The answer I've had most, was the fact that they had the ability to love and be loved back.  
I'm intrigued about this love thing, people are so fond of it, yet I don't really have a real understanding of what the word love even means. I know it's main meaning is 'to be extremely fond of an item/person,' but that can't be the only thing, people can have a fond liking to a food type, and I don't think it comes close to what a person feels when they love a person, who they know loves them back.  
I will find out answers soon enough, for sure, there will always be someone new to ask, it's always somebody's time to die.

I find myself drawn to St Jude's Children hospital today. I hate it when I am drawn to hospitals that specialise in the care of children. I hate taking children away. The fact that they have barely lived hurts me, well, it would if I could totally feel and understand feelings.  
I arrive outside a theatre room and peer through the window. There is a young baby on the operating table, a baby boy, this little boy is called Dylan James, and this little boy is not going to make it. At most, this little boy is just a few months old. I pass through the door and stand next to the operating table. I take Dylan's hand in mine, his tiny fingers respond to my touch, and curl around my fingers.  
A piercing beeping noise radiates around the room, and the doctor's stop working on Dylan James.  
"Dylan James Winchester, time of death, 9.38am, on the 22nd of June, 20014!" A female voice said quietly, marking the details down on a sheet of paper.  
"Shit," Another Doctor cursed, a tear falling down her cheek.

**  
**

I watch as the staff start clearing away the operation instruments, and then look down at the infant before me. He's looking up at me, a smile on his lips, he's gurgling happily away, he probably doesn't even know he's died. I put my arms under him and lift him up gently. I cradle him in my arms as I will myself upwards.  
Quick as a flash, I am up in the clouds, with baby Dylan sleeping quietly in my arms. Now I am here, my part of the job is done. I hand the infant over to a sweet looking angel, and find myself drawn, for some reason, back to the hospital.  
I know it's not for a death this time, I just felt the need to go back there.  
I find myself in the family room. I look around and I see a young looking male, with messy blonde hair, and tear stained cheeks. Sat next to him, is a brunette woman, her hands are covering her face. The man puts his arm around the shoulders of the woman next to him, and pulls her in close, she moves her hands and hugs him back. They both look worried, they both look scared, scared isn't actually the word, they look petrified.

****  
**  
**

The door opens behind me, and I step forward. Although they wouldn't feel me if they did accidently walk through me, I always feel I should move out of the way of people.  
"Mr Winchester? Ms Braeden?" The Doctor from the operating theatre walks in, her face is still tear stained, but she is trying to bear strong, I can tell.  
The man and woman look up, they uncoil from the tight grasps they held on to eachother with and stand up.  
"Is he OK? Can we see him yet?" The woman asks, desperation in her voice.  
"Lisa, Dean," The Doctor loses the formal tone in her voice, as she attempts to comfort these people.  
It clicks in my head suddenly, Winchester, was the baby's surname, so these must be the parents. Oh Lord.  
"I want to see DJ!" Dean whines, suddenly, cutting the Doctor off.  
"Dean, I'm sorry to have to tell you this," The Doctor looked uncomfortable, as she turned to face Lisa. "Dylan James never made it, he died at 9.38, his heart stopped beating during the procedure, we tried so hard to help him, but we couldn't resuscitate him!" She explained, tears coming to her eyes again.  
"No! NO!" Dean yelled. "You're lying, you don't mean it, he's still alive! It was a simple operation, YOU SAID IT WAS A SIMPLE OPERATION!"  
"Any operation carries a level of risk Dean, Dylan's was a simple operation, in the fact that the procedure wasn't difficult. His body just couldn't handle what was happening! I really, truly am so sorry!"  
"I want to see my little guy, I want to see my son!" Dean said, as he crumpled to the floor, tears pouring down his cheeks.  
Lisa, however, was speechless, she had silent tears falling from her eyelids, but she made no comment. She knelt down next to Dean, took him in her arms, and rocked him backwards and forwards.  
"I want to see my son!" Dean said repeatedly, sobbing loudly into Lisa's shoulder.

Watching the scene before me, I know I would be crying if I had the ability too. I walk closer to the man, Dean and crouch down in front of him. He's still crying into Lisa's shoulder and muttering about wanting to see his son. I put my hand out to him, I rest my hand on top of his, wanting to help him. I wish I could help him, I wish I could so bad, but the fact that he can't even feel my touch shows that I could never help him.  
I pull my hand back and watch him for a while longer. He turns his head away from Lisa's shoulder and turns, and he's looking right at me.  
No, no, no, don't be silly, I just think he's looking at me, he can't see me, he doesn't know I'm here, he probably doesn't believe in angels. I shake my head, and offer my hand out once more, I pat him on the knee gently, then stand up. I can't stay here, it's getting to emotional for me to sit and watch. Emotions are hard at the best of times, but when you can't express them, as I can't, they really do get on top of you.  
I take one quick glance back into the room, I frown at the pitying sight of Dean and Lisa, both crumpled on the floor, and leave.


	2. Chapter 2

It's the evening of the 23rd of June and I have had quite a few duty calls today. At least none of them were infants today, the youngest I helped today was 15, still young, but not as young as some.  
All day yesterday, and even today, I can't stop thinking about Dylan James. And I especially can't stop thinking about his father.   
As soon as I left the hospital for the second time that day, I went straight to Gabriel, we talked, and he helped me see that taking Dylan was the best thing for him. If he had lived he would have lived a hard life, full of operations and disability problems. I still felt so bad for Dean though, Lisa as well, but Dean appeared to take the news a lot harder than Lisa had. Gabriel had made a good point to me though, I could go and visit Dean from time to time, see how he was getting on.  
Usually I don't get involved with how the family cope with the deaths of their loved ones. But then again, I'd never seen the reaction to the death before, usually I took the soul with me, and never returned to the scene of the death. It confuses me still, why I ever went back to the hospital, I had no need to go back, but still, I did.  
I asked Gabriel what he thought of that, and he told me he'd done the same before, sometimes there's just this connection that makes you want to see the bereaved, to see how they handle things. He assured me that it's a natural feeling, but one that will die down. He admitted to me that he still went to see, even now, a young girl who lost her mother. The girl is now 7, and she was 5 when her mum died. Gabriel said he couldn't help it, the fact that this girl was so young, and that she was left without a mother, baffled him, and he said sometimes the work of God confused him. Why would anyone want to see a young child go through so much heart ache at such a young age?

I had never said it out loud before, to be honest, I always thought something dire would happen if I criticised the work of God, but Gabriel is still around, so obviously not, but I didn't understand how someone who was supposed to do great things, could take the lives of people so young, or take away someone a child desperately needs. I get angry just thinking about the fact that there are so many young children in the world without parents, all because God felt it was their time to go. Why did he feel the need to take that gorgeous baby boy out of the arms of his doting parents yesterday? What was his reasoning? I feel the anger boiling up inside of me, and decide that I will follow Gabriel's advice, I will go and see how Dean is getting on in a world without his beautiful baby boy.

I think of Dean and within seconds I am by his side. I am in the living room of what I am guessing to be Dean’s house. He is stood next to a white leather couch, looking down at Lisa, and he's frowning. Still, his cheeks are tear stained.  
"What do you mean?" Dean asks, a look of frustration on his face.  
"I mean, we have no reason to stay together anymore Dean! We were only together for DJ and now he's gone! It's like a sign!" Lisa sighed, she slumped back on the couch looking miserable.  
"It was no fucking sign Lisa, it was some sick, twisted, fucked up way of the world that took DJ! There was no sign saying that we need to break up!" Dean ranted, more tears were coming to his eyes.  
"Dean, you know more than I do, that we would be better off apart! Before we knew I was pregnant, we were going to split up, and you can't deny that because we spoke about it. You even left me, you left me then came back when you knew we were going to have a baby Dean!"  
"I just needed some space, I didn't want to leave you forever. I love you Lisa! I can't... You can't... I..." Dean stumbled over his words, his face showing the pain he was going through.  
"No, Dean, you had it right. We should never have gotten back together, not even for DJ! We can't go on hurting eachother Dean! I love you too, and I always will, but it's not the same anymore. I know you won't believe me, but this is for the best Dean, you'll see that soon, I promise!"  
"No Lisa, I won't! In two days I lose my baby and I'm losing my girlfriend, I feel like my life is spiralling out of control and I have no choice in what happens. I don't want you to go Lisa, I don't want to be alone!" Dean wiped the tears from his cheeks, and the pain etched on his face.  
"Dean, I know you feel like everything is going wrong, and I know there is a lot going wrong in your life at the moment, but I'm not doing this to be cruel. You have to realise that I have lost my baby too, I'm hurting too, and I'm going through everything you're going through! And, I know this seems like a really bad time to be doing this Dean, but I feel I could move on with life, and cope better with DJ... losing him, if we were to separate. I mean, I don't know, I may feel I made the wrong decision in the future, but unless I leave, I will never know. Dean, I need to leave, I can't stay. I'm sorry!" Lisa started to sob, not silently like at the hospital, she appeared to finally let her guard down as she put her palms up on her cheeks and rubbed at the tears half-heartedly.  
"I know you have to live it too Lisa, but surely we can get through it better as a team, as a couple? Lisa please?" Dean begged. He moved forward and bent down in front of Lisa, and he took her into his arms and embraced her.  
"I think it would be better if we did it alone! Dean, I can't stay and be unhappy, it's not purely you, I'm making myself miserable by staying! I'm sorry to do this at a time like this, Dean, I'm so, so sorry!" Lisa explained. She returned the hug, then pulled out slowly. "I'm going to go pack a few things then go to my mum's. I hope you can understand why, and I really hope you can forgive me!" She leant forward and kissed Dean gently before making her way up the stairs.

I watched as Dean leant his forehead on the couch in the space which Lisa had just vacated. His hands were clenched into fists, and he was crying harder now, not bothering to wipe the tears away.  
I stood watching him do this for half an hour. He didn't change his position, his head remained firmly pressed against the couch, a few times he had swung at the couch with his fists, as he let his tears fall. The only noise from him was the odd sniff and gasp for air.  
"Dean?" Lisa was back, she had an overnight bag over her shoulder, she stood in the door way.   
Dean didn't acknowledge that Lisa was there, he just stayed in the same position.  
"Look, I'll call you in a few days ok?" Lisa tried to comfort him.  
Dean just sniffed in response.  
"I know you don't believe me Dean, but I am really sorry!" Lisa said softly, then she left. Leaving Dean 'alone.'  
Dean let out a pained groan, and sat back, he stared at the couch but I don't think he was really looking at anything. He looked deep in thought.

I stepped up to Dean and laid a hand across his back, my lame attempt at trying to comfort him.  
Dean jumped under my touch, and twisted around quickly, making me topple a few steps back.  
"Who the fuck are you?" Dean asked, his eyes wide with shock, "How did you get in here?"  
I look over each shoulder, thinking someone else must have made it into the house somehow. I realise there's no one else in the room.  
"M... mm... ME?" I stutter, still looking around me.  
"Who the hell do you think I mean?" Dean ranted, standing up quickly.  
"Er, well, I... Er..." I don't know how to explain myself to him.  
"Spit it out, or get out!" Dean ordered, glaring at me now.  
I decide a little white lie will do no harm here, it would be better than the truth by far.  
"I, well, Li... Lisa didn't want to leave you alone in the state you're in, she didn't think it would be a good idea, so she um, called me! And, well, I'll leave if you want me to?"  
"Why would Lisa care? She's the one who left me anyway! And why? Because God thinks it's fun to take the most important thing in my life away from me!" Dean spits, he lets out an irritated scream at the end of his rant.  
"She still loves you, you know!" I try to comfort. "But sometimes it's just not enough!"  
"Or, she just can't bear to look at me, because I'm not happy, I'm far from happy! She hasn't shown no emotion about our son dying! She's acted like he never existed!"   
"She cares! She's just bottling it up, she was trying to be strong for you! But it got on top of her!" I say, hoping that I am in fact telling the truth.  
Dean just shrugged and sat staring into space.  
"I'm just gonna..." I start, but Dean cuts me off.  
"You never told me who you were!"  
"I'm Er... my names Castiel!" I say, holding my hand out.  
James nods and brings his hand towards mine. I look down to witness the connection. I wish I could feel the touch of his skin.  
"And you know Lisa how?" Dean raised an eyebrow at me.  
I hadn't thought of this part. I thought for a few seconds, shifting from foot to foot.  
"Just friends, hmm, friend of a friend actually!"  
"Right! And she thought sending a complete stranger to keep me company would help me?" Dean rolled his eyes and turned towards the kitchen.

I figure I may as well leave, Dean had his back towards me, so now was as good a time as any. I willed myself away, and I just managed to see Dean turn before I was back at the beach.   
It was dusk, and the angels gathered here to watch the sunset, just like we watched the sunrise.  
I stood again, with the wind blowing towards me, again, I never felt a thing.  
As the angelic voices sang their melody, I thought about what had just happened. I had been spotted, that had never happened to me before. It made me think of yesterday, I was certain he had sensed me yesterday, even if he didn't see me. What was different with Dean that made him know I was there? All of this confused me.

Looking to my left, I see Gabriel looking down at me, he's smiling down at me, giving me a questioning look.  
"What?" I ask him. "What is so amusing to you?"  
"You looked so far away, that's all!"   
"Yeah? I have a lot on my mind!" I say, looking back out at the ocean.  
"Penny for your thoughts?"  
I turn to look at him again, and I explain. I explain how I felt that Dean could sense me yesterday. I tell him that I went to Dean's house today, that I saw him, and that he saw me. I tell him I'm confused. I tell him that I don't understand. I tell him that I wish that I could have felt Dean’s skin on mine. I tell him how much I want to take away Dean's pain right now, but I don't know how. And finally, I say out loud, I tell Gabriel, that I'm pissed off at God, because he could put a person such as Dean through so much pain in such a short amount of time.

Gabriel sighs and looks at his feet. He says he's felt like I feel more times than he could remember. He said that although it seemed unfair, God did have a plan for Dean, and it wouldn't all be filled with sorrow and pain. He explained that if you want to be seen, then you will be seen. But you have to want it enough. 

I know I wanted to help Dean, but I never even thought about him being able to see him, mainly because I thought that it was impossible. I think about it more, and I realise, I now have my way of helping Dean. When I visit him, I can actually talk to him, I can comfort him, be there for him. Whenever he needs me, I can make myself available. I smile at the thought and thank Gabriel for listening, and thank him for explaining everything that had confused me.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, the morning of the 24th of June, I am drawn to St Jude’s Childrens hospital again. I find myself in a small room, where a young child is laid out on the bed, a little girl, she has a smile on her face, she looks perfectly healthy, and I can't believe I am here for her. Then, I realise, I'm not!

  


I look towards the end of the little girls bed and I see a middle aged man. He's at the most, 35 years old, his name is Chuck Shurley. He is the father of the young girl. I watch as he tries to act normal, and then as he collapses to the floor, his hand gripping firmly at his chest. The little girl screams, and four nurses appear, they rush to Chuck's side. "He's having what looks to be a minor heart attack, could be an angina attack, we need to get him to a bed!" One of the nurses analyses.

  


I continue to watch as two of the nurses disappear and come back with a stretcher, they lift Chuck up onto it, and wheel him out. The other two nurses sit and console the little girl, who has tears pouring down her cheeks, she tries to get up and follow her daddy, but they restrain her. They tell her everything will be fine.  
I frown and follow the stretcher into a new room, they need to lower down the metal bars around the bed, so that Chuck can actually fit onto the bed that was intended for a child.

  


A doctor arrives a few minutes later, and starts doing a variety of tests on Chuck. Once his condition has stabilised a little, the doctor leaves, asking the nurses to check up on him every half hour to make sure he doesn't get any worse. He explains they will analyse the situation after Chuck has rested.

Chuck is sat up in his bed, he looks relaxed, considering he has just had some sort of attack. He smiles at the nurses, who, in turn, smile back then leave.

I sit on the chair next to the bed, and I wait. I wait for the moment that I have to take this man away from his daughter, his sick, ill little girl who lay not even ten rooms away from this one.  
I curse in my head the cruelty that God is showing. How can he even think of leaving an innocent child, a child who is obviously seriously ill, alone in this world without a daddy? Every little girl needs their daddy!

The machine monitoring Chuck's heart beeps in rhythm to his heartbeat, and the beeps are becoming less rhythmic.  
I sigh and stand up, I walk to the edge of the bed, and I wait.

"I can't see you, but I know you're there!" Chuck says, suddenly.  
"S... sorry?" I ask. I can't be sure whether he means me, or not, and I feel stupid even speaking because he won't hear me anyway.  
"I know you're there! And I'm not going anywhere! I have three kids, a wife, and I'm not leaving them now!" Chuck said determinedly.  
  
"You can hear me?"   
"Yeah, every word! And like I said, you’re not needed! You may as well leave, because I refuse to go anywhere!" Chuck replied.  
"How can you hear me? How did you know I was here?" I am dumbfounded as to how he could possibly know.  
"I've been there myself!" He says, he closes his eyes, and he appears to be thinking. I let him for a while before carrying on the conversation.  
"You've been here? How?" This man wasn't making sense to me, at all.  
"Take me for something to eat, and I'll tell you everything!" Chuck bargained.  
"I can't take you from out of this place!" I protested.  
Chuck assured me he wouldn't be missed. I finally relented and we went to a restaurant close by. 

  


Chuck told me how he used to be an Angel of Death too. He told me he remembered everything about his past.   
He listened to me as I told him of my recent discovery, that I could let people see me. I told him how hard it had been for me to deal with taking a young infant from its parents. I told him how I was feeling about the father, how I felt about Dean.   
Chuck sympathised with me. He explained that he had felt just the same, he had met someone who he had left bereaved, he said he fell in love with her. He told me that was the reason why he didn't want to be an Angel anymore.  
  
"I didn't realise we had that choice!" I say, as I watch him eat from five different plates with different meals on them.  
"Freedom of choice, humans have it, angels have it!" Chuck explained.  
"Oh!" Is all I can manage. Why hadn't I been told about this so called 'choice' that we had?  
"They don't tell you, you have to find out for yourself!" Chuck spoke up, obviously understanding my confusion.  
"So just how do you go about, becoming human?"  
"Show yourself to me!" Chuck asked.  
"Sorry?"   
"I want to see you!" Chuck said. I watched him stand up and leave the restaurant. I followed slowly and found him outside, in the empty garden of the restaurant. He wandered up to a set of swings and sat on one.  
I go to say I don't think I can do it. But before I know it, Chuck is talking again.  
"I forgot how good looking they all were!" There's a wistful tone in his voice.  
I smirk slightly as I watch him looking over me.  
"So, you want to know how to become human?" He asks finally. I nod enthusiastically.  
"Well, you need to be really sure you want to do this, because, if you do it, and end up regretting it, there's no turning back! You'll have a human identity, but you'll be completely alone in the world, except for the one you 'die' for. You need to completely rebuild a life and that can be hard!" Chuck lectured.  
"I'm pretty sure I want to, I think! I won’t do it straight away, I will think about it!" I say, I look at him hopefully. And he tells me.

  


He tells me how he 'died.' He jumped from a building, he jumped, and when he reached the bottom, he was alive, properly alive. He said he could feel everything. He felt the pain of where he had fallen, he could feel the rain drops on his skin, and he could feel the air on his face. He went to the woman he loved, and he could feel the touch of her skin. He said he felt a weird sensation in his stomach; he felt hunger, although at first, he didn't know what that was. He felt food sliding down his throat, he how refreshing water could be. Chuck didn't regret a thing.  
  
I listened intently as he told me about his life, how he had got married, had three wonderful children, two boys and his youngest, the little girl in hospital. One of his boys had a baby boy of his own, Chuck was a granddad. He had a job in a small company that dealt with advertising, he was assistant manager. He enjoyed life, and he planned on going nowhere.

  
I had no plans to take him anywhere. He had helped me out a huge deal, and I wasn't about to take him away from everything that he loved.

I told Chuck it was time he went back to the hospital, it was almost 1pm, and no doubt the nurses had realised he had gone missing, they were supposed to check on him regularly, and he had been gone for almost two hours. After I have made sure he arrived safely back in his bed, I went to find Dean. I don't have far to go.

  


I will myself to him, and find myself in another room at the hospital. Dean is sat at a desk, and an important looking man is sat opposite him, he's talking through something with him. I step closer to the desk and read the paper in front of Dean.  
It's the issuing of Dylan James' death certificate. I look around, but Lisa is nowhere to be seen. Not long after me noticing this, the man brings it up.  
"Could Lisa not make it? How's she coping?"  
"I wouldn't know, she left me!" Dean blurted out. "She left me, told me she was going to her mother's. But I rang there, to tell her we had this today, and she's not there! I don't know where she is and I don't know how she's coping!"  
Dean tried putting on a brave face, but I could see right through it.   
The man never pushed the subject, but he carried on with what he was doing, asking Dean the appropriate questions to fill in the certificate. During the process, Dean had let the tears take over. It had only been two days since he'd lost his son. He'd since lost his girlfriend and he obviously felt completely alone in the world.

  


Ten minutes later, the details were sorted; Dean had the certificate in a brown envelope in his hand. He was sobbing gently, as he walked down the corridor, his head was hung low, and he was scuffling his feet.  
I walk alongside him.  
I follow him home.  
I watch as he cries some more, curled up on the couch.

  


I will myself to be visible, for Dean to be able to see me. Then I walk over to him, and sit on the edge of the couch. I lean down and wrap my arms around him. I run my hand along his back, comforting him, I tell him everything will be ok, I tell him that things will change, That things will get better.  
He leans into my embrace for a few seconds, he welcomes my touch. The touch he can feel. I wish I could feel him.

  


A few seconds into the embrace, Dean realises that there was no one in the house with him a minute ago, well, as far as he knew. He jumps from my arms and turns around quickly. He stares at me, he blinks at me.  
"How did you get in here?"  
I just stare at him in silence; I don't know what to say.  
"You disappeared yesterday!"  
"You didn't want me here!" I sigh.  
"I mean, you disappeared. I turn my back for one second, I turn back to face you, and you were gone, nobody can move that fast. I didn't hear you move, I didn't hear any doors close, but yet... you were gone!" Dean tilted his head.  
"I... I Er..." I stutter, Dean cuts me off anyway.  
"And I asked Lisa's mum about you, she knows about all of Lisa's friends, every single one, yet, she hadn't heard of any Castiel, not that I had a surname to go on, but Castiel isn’t exactly a normal name! And she said Lisa never had any friends called Castiel!"   
"I..."  
"Lisa doesn't know you does she?" Dean confronts me.  
"No! She doesn't!" There's no point lying any more.  
"Who are you?"  
"I'm... Castiel!" I can't think of another answer.  
"I mean, who are you as in, why are you here? Why are you trying to help me? You don't know me, I don't know you! I want to know how you manage to get into my house, and I want to know how you can disappear in a second without a trace!" Dean ranted.  
"I saw you at the hospital. I saw you lose your son. I felt for you. I didn't like seeing you in so much pain. I want to help you! I want to make you see that life can be better!" I say, and I mean every word.  
Dean looks shocked, the tears return to his eyes, as I'm guessing, memories of the past few days wash over him. He takes a few moments, and then his focus is back on me. "How did you see me? I never saw you!"  
"It's hard to explain, but I hope to be able to explain to you soon!" I explain.  
"What's so God damn hard to explain?" Dean looks up at me through weary eyes.  
I shift on the couch.  
"Everything!" I sigh.  
"Look! You're in my house! You know too much about me, and you won't explain a damn thing!" Dean seethed.  
"It's too difficult!" I say again.  
Dean takes a deep breath, his hand reaches out and he slaps me. I don't feel a thing, I don't have any reflexes, I just sit there as if nothing has happened. Dean looked from his hand to me. He looked confused.. He put his hand out slowly, cautiously. He moves it too my face, where he touches my skin, delicately at first. I watch Dean intently, and again, I wished I could feel the touch of Dean.  
Dean rubs my skin cheek harder, and then he pinches at it.  
"I wish I could feel that," I say breathlessly. Imagination is all I have.  
"Why can't you?" Dean asks, his hand still wandering over my skin.  
"It's how I was made!" I reply. "I... I'm an angel!" There, I've said it, no more lies!


	4. Chapter 4

Dean looks as me disbelievingly. He shakes his head. He takes his hand away from my skin and moves away from me.  
"You are nothing but a weirdo, trying to get into my life, for some reason unknown to me. I don't want it, I don't appreciate it, and I want you to leave now, before I call the police!" Dean threatens.  
"Alright!" I bite my lip and I will myself away, not too far away, just so Dean can't see me.  
I watch as he gasps, he has seen me disappear into thin air and I have made him believe. He stares at the empty spot on the couch and scratches his head. He puts his hands out and feels the air, he feels nothing.  
Tears fill his eyes and he looks around the room desperately.  
"Cas?" He says, his voice cracking.  
"Yeah?" I answer, not showing myself.  
"Come back to me!" Dean sighs as he continues to feel the space on the couch.

I go and sit next to him on the couch, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders. I lean in close and I whisper in his ear that I think I love him. He doesn't know I'm holding him, he can't see me, but he knows I am there. His head goes forward and I wish I could see his expression.  
I hope to God I haven't hurt him more. That what I'm saying isn't making his pain worse. I still don't understand the whole love thing, but I know I would be so happy if this man in front of me would say those three little words back to me, I would give the world for him to say those words to me.

"I want to see you!" Dean says thickly, he looks up and his eyes search the room.  
I will myself to be seen, and I whisper. "I'm right here!"  
He can now feel my embrace and he turns into me, he lifts up his head and he looks into my eyes. All I can see is pain, and sadness.  
I tighten my grip on Dean, and I brush the hair from his eyes.  
Dean tilts his head up slightly, and he bites his lip. He looks so lost and it scares me. He blinks tears out of his eyes and leans his head towards me.  
I watch as he leans completely into me, and his mouth is touching mine. I close my eyes, and I will myself to feel his lips on mine. As always, my energy is wasted.  
Dean pulls back, and he looks back into my eyes.  
"Did you feel that?" He asks, hopefully.  
I shake my head sadly, and I run my hand through his hair.  
Dean looks angry, and I don't know who the anger is for. He pulls out of my grip and makes his way up the stairs.  
I leave him for a few minutes, then I will myself upstairs, Dean is no longer able to see me, I'm not sure whether he wants to see me.  
He's curled up on his bed, huddled underneath the covers, I can tell he is crying.  
Whether he wants me too or not, I can't help it, I need to comfort him, I need to hold him in my arms. I will myself to be seen and climb onto the bed next to Dean. I wrap my arms around him and I promise that things will be different soon. I tell him that things will be brighter in the morning, that things change.  
"Stay with me... stay with me tonight!" Dean begs through tears.  
I promise him I will, and I let him fall asleep in my arms.

 

I wait until the early hours of the morning, before I release my arms from Dean. I lay and look at him for a few blissful minutes, thinking about how my 'life' is now, and how my life could be. I stare intently at the peaceful look in his face, a look I haven’t seen on his face during his waking hours. I put my hand out and run my hand through his messed up hair, wishing I could feel it's texture in my fingers.  
I watch as he sighs in his sleep, his face suddenly looks troubled.  
I lean down towards him and plant, what I hope, is a soft kiss on Dean's forehead. Then I get up off the bed slowly. I need to go and speak to Gabriel, I need him to point me in the right direction. It's almost dawn so I know where he'll be. I think of the beach and in moments I am there.

I open my eyes and I find myself facing out towards the ocean, I'm standing to the left of Gabriel. I look up at him and see him staring down at me.  
He tells me he can see I'm not happy, he tells me he's worried about me.  
I smile at him, hoping to reassure him that I'm fine, in a way.  
He still looks at me, his usual smiley self is gone, he has his forehead furrowed, worry lines scatter along his skin.  
I tell him I really am OK, but that I have a few questions burning in my mind. He asks me to explain, but I say I will later.

I want to stand and listen to the melodic voices surrounded the air, I want to take in the beautiful surroundings.  
I put my arms out like a bird, the wind catching my clothing, making it tug against my body. I spin around, with my head leant back and my eyes closed. I can't feel anything, but I imagine I can feel the wind in my hair, the chill against my skin. It may not have been much, but the thought made me smile. I stayed spinning slowly around until the voices stopped.

I straightened my neck, and focused on Gabriel. He had a bemused smile across his face, but there was still worry showing.  
"I need to ask you something, I need you to help me choose!" I tell him, and I watch as he walks over to the old wooden dock that was barely still standing on the middle of the beach. He sat down on it, and he patted to the side of him, indicating that I sit next to him. I obeyed, and then I tell him.

 

I tell him about everything I learned from Chuck. I tell him that I think I'm falling for Dean, that I think I love him. I explain to him how much I long to feel the touch of Dean's hands, the touch of his mouth, the touch of his tongue.  
I tell him that I hate hurting Dean so much! The fact that I can't feel him, or even be there for him constantly is driving him crazy. I explain that I feel I am toying with his emotions, that I am far from helping him overcome his loss. I feel I am making it worse, with everything I say and do, I feel I am making his pain worse.  
And Finally, I tell Gabriel I don't want to be an angel anymore, I don't want this life. I want a life with Dean. I wish to experience what humans value so much. I want to love Dean and in turn, be loved back by him.

Gabriel is looking at me, a small smile playing across his lips. He listens intently as I get everything off of my chest, he doesn't interrupt once, he waits until I stop talking before bringing in his words of wisdom.  
He asks me if I am completely sure that I want this. I tell him I am.  
He asks me if Dean really means as much to me as I think he does. I tell him he does.  
He asks me if I really am ready to leave this life behind me. I tell him I am.  
"Then you should do this!" Is Gabriel's final say on the matter.

I thank him for listening, and I thank him for always being there for me, whenever I've needed him. I tell him I will miss him, his friendship and his advice. He pulls me into an unfelt hug, but it's comforting all the same. He tells me he will always be there for me, in the background, he says he will look out for me. I thank him again, and pull away from him. A sad smile crosses my lips, as I nod my goodbye to him.


	5. Chapter 5

I think of the roof of St Jude’s Hospital, and I close my eyes. I will myself there and I find myself stood, glancing around at the scenery around me. I look below me and see the many people walking in and out of the hospital. There are people sat on benches around the hospital, chatting, smoking, some even eating ice creams. None of them can see me, none of them are wise to the fact that a man is just going to appear from nowhere.

I close my eyes, and again, I spread my arms out beside me, and I tilt forward.

I feel myself fall a few feet and I open my eyes. The ground is approaching fast, and I feel no different. I wonder if this is all a big joke, that this isn't even going to work.

I watch for a few more seconds, as the ground gets closer. I am just a metre or so from the ground now, and I close my eyes again.

I open my eyes slowly. Someone is shaking me. I look around me, and all I see is grass. Grass and mud. I tilt my neck upwards and groan. It hurt to move, but I bring myself painfully to my knees. I look around me and there is a small crowd gathered around. There is a paramedic next to me, he has his hand on my shoulder, he's asking me if I'm Ok. I nod slowly at him, so as not to aggravate my neck, then I find my legs.

I dust myself down and I hear someone say to get a wheelchair. I tell them it's no bother, and I start to walk away. I don’t look back at the building I just jumped from, and I just keep going.  
I don't really know where to go, but I just follow where my legs take me, I feel that I am being guided in the right direction, and I thank Gabriel out loud as I walk past shop after shop.  
I walk for almost an hour, I don't know where I am, but I am happy I'm here.

I stop outside a house, and for some reason, I know this is where I want to be. The house is far out into the suburbs, the nearest shop is at least a ten minute drive away, the nearest house a five minute walk. I like that.  
I walk up the four stone steps that lead to the doorway, and I knock gently.

He takes a while, but finally, Dean answers the door. His face is tear stained and he looks a complete mess.  
"You left!" Dean said simply, a tear threatening to fall down his left cheek.  
"How could I have left you? I've only just go here!" I say, I put my hand out and brush Dean’s cheek, I feel the clamminess of his skin, I feel the wetness of tears that have already fallen.  
Dean smiles slightly and steps back to allow me into the house.  
I walk over to the couch and I sit down. Dean follows and sits beside me, I feel his leg brush past me as he does so.

"Touch me!" I whisper.  
Dean sighs sadly.  
"What's the point? What good is it me even holding your hand if you can't feel what I'm doing?" This time a small tear drops from his eye, down his cheek, finally disappearing under his chin.  
"Please?" I say, desperately, I close my eyes and hope he will bring his hands towards me. It feels like hours are passing when really, it is only minutes.

I feel a slight pressure on my cheek, fingers are brushing slowly and carefully along my cheekbone. I sigh as the fingers go down further, caressing my neck.  
I feel a wet,warm sensation on the left side of my neck, it tickles, but it doesn't make me laugh. I open my eyes and I see Dean sucking gently at my skin. His eyes are watching my face as his hands and mouth play with the sensitive skin of my neck.  
He stops and really takes me in.  
I watch as he brings his hand back to my cheek and holds his hand still for a second, he then pulls at my skin. I moan out in pain and he looks shocked.  
"You felt that?"  
I nod, and smile at him. He smiles back and leans in towards me.

Once again, his lips meet my mine, and this time I can feel it. I love the way it feels. I feel his tongue run along my bottom lip. Then he forces his tongue into my mouth.  
I feel a weird sensation between my legs, and I put my hand where it feels funny. I jump slightly when I feel a bulge through the material of my trousers.  
Dean breaks away from our kiss and he follows my gaze down to my crotch.  
He bites his lip and looks back up at me. He looks confused, he looks scared.

I tell Dean that I don't completely understand what I'm feeling, I don't know what's causing me to feel the way I am, or what's making me want to do the things I want to do. I tell him we don't have to do anything, that I am happy just being here with him now, and he smiles.

Dean says that he doesn't know why he's feeling the way he does either, he tells me that he's just as confused, but as confused as he is, he says he wants to do this, he wants to do what his body is asking him too. He looks into my eyes and he asks ME if this is Ok. I'm confused as to why he asks me, as I'm sure of how I feel about him, I don't think he's totally sure about how he's feeling.

I nod my approval, and Dean smiles again.

He stands up slowly, and he takes my hand. His palm is hot and sweaty and I worry about him. I worry about whether this will throw him even more off track, whether this is going to mess with his head even more than it has been over the past few days.  
Dean doesn't seem to have these worries. He's guiding me up the stairs slowly, towards the room we shared the previous evening, when I couldn't feel a thing.

Dean leads me over to the bed and he sits on the edge. He looks up at me with anticipation in his eyes. I walk over to him and sit next to him. He turns around so that he is facing me, and he brings his hands out and presses gently against my chest, and I lay backwards. He unbuttons my once white shirt, but it was now covered in stains from the grass and dirt that had marked my fall. He moves his hand across my chest, his touch makes me tingle all over, especially as his hand moves lower, and he tugs at the fine hairs at my navel. I feel a moan escape my mouth before Dean brings his lips back to mine.

He has moved his hand even lower now, and has started to unzip my trousers. I open my eyes when I feel his lips leave mine, and I watch him as he climbs up and lays his body above me. He brings his head down lower, and he leaves soft kisses on my mouth, cheeks, and he starts doing that thing to my neck again, and I decide, I really like how it feels.

I feel him take my hand and he guides it between our bodies, he lets go and I feel him struggling to unzip his own trousers. I move my hand up and help him. He wriggles on top of me, and he somehow manages to remove his trousers, as I hear them drop to the floor with a gentle thud.

I feel something hard against my thigh, and I put my hand out and feel something long and hard through the soft material of Dean's boxers. Dean groans loudly into my mouth as my hand curls around the long object, I pull my hand away quickly, I think I have done something wrong.

Dean pulls out of the kiss, confirming my fears.  
Or maybe not.  
He smiles down at me, and he tells me not to stop, he removes his boxers quickly, and he tugs my trousers and boxers from my own body. He gets back into a comfy position on top of me, and he takes my hand again. He guides it back down to where I can feel the object digging into me, and he puts my hand back onto the it. He curls his hand over mine, and guides my hand up and down the length of, what he tells me, is his penis. He groans more and more as he moves my hand faster with his own.

Dean’s hand leaves mine, but I carry on the movements he has shown me.

I feel a huge stirring between my legs now, as I feel Dean’s hand touching, what I figure must be my own penis. I now understand why Dean was groaning as I found it impossible to contain my own.

I feel Dean's penis thicken in my grasp, and if it’s possible, Dean felt harder than before. Dean moans against my skin and then I feel something wet and sticky on my hand, as his penis starts to soften. I am slightly confused as to why this has happened, but Dean moaned loudly as it did, I still don't know whether this is bad or good, but I leave my hand firmly grasped around his penis.

As if out of nowhere, I suddenly have this urge to scream the roof off the building, as an intense pressure builds up at the base of my stomach, leading down to my penis. I hold my breath to contain the scream, but this somehow makes the feeling worse, and I let out a loud yell as I feel the urge that was building up inside me release in one almighty explosion that felt like fireworks being let off in my head.

Dean lets go of my penis, and he looks down into my eyes. His breathing is heavy, and so is mine. He lays on top of me for another few minutes, as we both regain our composure and our breath. He then rolls off of me. He stands up and grabs his clothes from the floor. He is smiling at me.

"I'm gonna go get us some lunch!" Dean says, happily. "You, however, are filthy!" He smirks at me then he asks me to follow him.  
He takes me to the bathroom where he shows me how the shower works. He tells me to take my time, because he has a lot to prepare for lunch, as he wants to make it special.

I smile at him, and lean forward and kiss him on the lips, we stand there for a few seconds before he pulls away, with a grin on his face, he leaves me alone.

I step up into the shower booth, and I feel hot water crash down on top of me, hitting every pore of my body. It feels amazing, and I can't help but moan out in relaxation. The booth fills up with steam in seconds and the glass is covered with condensation. I move my hand out and run my index finger down, making a line appear. I smile to myself and move my hand lower down, and I doodle a heart. My hand goes even further down, and I do a letter D. I leave it like this and carry on cleaning myself, humming loudly as I do.

After a good half an hour later, I step out of the shower and notice the clothes that Dean has left out for me to put on. There's a pair of dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt, and a plaid overshirt. I dry myself of quickly and put the clothes on. I walk back into the bedroom and look at myself in the full length mirror. Apart from the cut on my cheek and a bruise on my arm, I look pretty good. I run a hand through my hair to sort it out, then I go back down the stairs.  



	6. Chapter 6

As I walk into the lounge, I peer through the doorway which leads through to the dining room. I see two places set. I walk into the room and look properly. There is a salad laid out in a bowl. Two glasses of wine are out, with the bottle in the middle of the table. There are two plates, but they are empty, the cutlery is laid out neatly by the side of each plate.

I take a seat in front of one of the plates and smile to myself. In this house is everything I could ever have wanted, and I never knew it until I saw Dean. I look around the room and I wonder what is taking him so long. I get up from my seat and head towards the kitchen, but then something told me I shouldn't be going towards the kitchen at all.

I feel the hair on the back of my neck rise, and a cold sweat comes over me. I suddenly feel panicky, and I don't like it.

My body, as if it has its own will, ran out of the house. I found myself running for about ten minutes until I came to a little country road. I look down it cautiously, and I see a big red truck blocking the road off. I walk closer and make my way around the truck.  
There's a black chevy… an Impala.  
One side of the car has been completely smashed in.  
It's the drivers side.  
I see a little movement in the car and I run over. I try and open the drivers door to let the person out, but I can't, it has been jammed, where it got hit.  
I run around to the passenger seat and I yank open the door, I lean over.  
The driver is Dean.  
He has a huge cut across his forehead, and his legs are stuck between the seat and the wheel. He is barely conscious, but his eyes are open, and he's looking at me.

"I'm so sorry," He sobs slowly, he moves his hand delicately to his head and dabs at the blood that is weeping from his wound.  
"Don't be sorry, Dean, you have nothing to be sorry for!" I say truthfully, I put my hand to his to stop him touching the cut. He flinches as we bring our arms down.  
"It hurts so bad, Cas... And I can't feel my legs! Why can't I feel my legs?" His crying is getting more hysterical now, as he takes his hand from mine and prods sharply at his thigh.  
"I don't know, but I need to go and get you some help!" I say, I turn in the seat.  
"Don't leave me! Please, don't go! The drivers gone, he can do it, but don't leave me here, I need you, Cas. I need you!"  
I turn back and I look at Dean. His eyes are focusing on something outside of the car.  
"Is this what happens Cas?" He asks me, his eyes are still focusing on something that I can't see.  
"What happens when?" I ask, I put my hand back to Dean's, wanting to feel his skin on mine.  
"When you die!" He sighed, he turned back to face me. "I can see them Cas. I can see the angels!"  
"Don't look at them Dean, please, look at me, don't look at them!" I say quietly, I want to scream it, but I contain myself. I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.  
"I'm sorry! I wanted to show you everything, and I've been so stupid! You came so far, and for what? For me to get in a stupid car and... and... Cas I'm so stupid!" Dean ranted at himself. His body had started to slump down on the seat, and he was losing colour fast.  
"No, you are not stupid! Don't put yourself down Dean! I don't need to see everything. I've seen you! I've touched you! And I've felt you! Dean, that is more than anyone in this world has ever been able to give me and I love you for that. I never needed anything more than to feel the touch of your skin!" The tears are falling thick now, and the last thing I want to do is say goodbye to the man in front of me, but I know I have no choice.

I put my arms around Dean slowly, trying not to cause him anymore pain, he leans into my embrace, and I talk to him.

I tell him that I love him, and that I will miss him. I tell him it won't be long until the pain stops, the physical, and the emotional. I tell him all the heartache he has been feeling over the past few days will soon be over, soon he will be free.  
Dean disagrees. He tells me that when Dylan James died, when Lisa left him, all he thought about was dying, about how good it would feel. But he tells me now, that he has something to lose, and he doesn't want to lose it, he doesn't want to lose me.  
He tells me the angels are getting closer now, their images are not so shaky, he tells me that one is trying to take him by the hand.  
Dean tells me that he doesn't want to go.

I run my hand slowly through Dean’s hair one last time, and I whisper gently. I tell him to take the angel by the hand, I tell him it's for the best.  
I tell Dean I don't want him to die, that I don't want him to leave me, but that I also don't want him to be in pain. I tell him I love him one last time, and I hold him in my arms.  
I watch his face. His eyes are following something that I can't see.  
A few minutes later, and I know.  
I've lost Dean.  
My sole purpose of life has just left me alone in this world that I know nothing about.  
I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter... an epilogue is coming :)
> 
> Please let me know what you all think. This is my first Destiel attempt, would love to know if you liked it or not!

I'm sat on the very bed that me and Dean shared just this morning. I lean into the duvet and sniff in the different smells of aftershaves, deodorants, even food, but all of these smells remind me of Dean. I lay my head into his pillow and let the tears fall, loud sobbing noises being softened through the fluffy material.

I don't know how long I had been laying here, my head still suffocated in Dean's pillow, but I suddenly feel myself drawn to look around the room. I do as I feel, but I see nothing. But I know I am not alone.  
"I can't see you, but I know you're there!" I say, de ja vouz running through my head.  
"I'm sorry!" I hear Gabriel say.  
I look around the room again, and I see Gabriel stood in the doorway.  
"Get out! I don't want to see you!" I seeth at him.  
Gabriel looks at me, pity in his eyes, he looks sad for me.  
"Was it you? Did you take him?"  
Gabriel avoids looking at me.  
I'm too exhausted, mentally, to fight this battle with Gabriel, I don't have the energy to scream and shout. The thing is, I can understand. It's his job, he had to do it, but I can't believe he could, still, even though, he basically had to.  
"It was for the best Castiel!" Gabriel tries to comfort me. "He's back with his baby now! He wasn't scared, he was smiling!"  
This brings a little comfort to me, knowing this. Gabriel carries on.  
"I asked him what he liked best about life!" Gabriel is smiling at me now.  
"Oh yeah?" I raise my eyebrow at him.  
"He told me, the best thing in life, that he had ever experienced, the best thing to happen to him, was... it was you!" Gabriel concludes.  
I look up, for a moment, I don't believe him, but then I realised, here, was one of my best friends, the only person who really knew me was an angel.  
"What am I going to do, Gabe? I have nothing here!"  
"You have life, you can do what you like with it! Don't throw this chance away, Castiel! You gave up so much for this life!" Gabriel lectures me.

I promise him I will make the most of my life, that I won't take anything for granted, that I won't do anything stupid and throw my life away.  
Gabriel believes me, and he leaves.  
Once again, I am left alone in this world. Left to vend for myself.


	8. Chapter 8

# *Ten Years Later*

  
It's ten years to the day that Dean was taken from me. Ten years to the day that I thought my world had ended.  
A lot can happen in ten years.  
I stayed in contact with Chuck Shurley. He helped me build my life, he gave me a name, he got me a job.  
In my job I found Balthazar. I found him easy to get on with, and we're a couple now. I will never love him half as much as I still love Dean, but I really do think he is the closest I can ever get to him in a person.  
Balthazar and me have adopted two little boys.  
Dylan James is eighteen months now, and Dean is three months.  
As much as I thought my life had ended ten years ago, I realise now, it hadn't. And, as much as I miss Dean, I will wait before I join him.  
I have so much to do, and so much to see.  
I want to see my children grow up, and me and Balthazar are thinking about whether to adopt a little girl or not.  
Right now, where I am, I am happy.  
But I know I will be just as happy the day I am on my death bed, but I don't want that yet.

Gabriel still comes to see me sometimes. He doesn't always tell me he's there, and he doesn't always show himself. But I can feel him. And just knowing he is there brings me a strange sort of comfort.  
Sometimes, I swear I can feel Dean around me too. I hope that it is him that I can sense.  
It would show me that I didn't lose him after all, it would just show me that the tables have turned.  
It's now Dean who cannot feel, who cannot touch.  
One day, me and Dean will be back in eachothers arms, but for now, I have my life to live, and as I promised Gabriel, I am, and I will, live it to the full.

 

# Twenty Years Later

  
I look around, and all I see is white. White walls, white floor and white ceilings. White sheets, white tables and white plastic chairs.  
I've been led in this hard hospital bed for three days now, the doctor's don't understand what's wrong with me yet. I've had test after test but nothing is showing up, yet my health is clearly going downhill. In fact, it has been going downhill for the past couple of years.  
It was bound to happen eventually, I'm in my early fifties, and heck, I don't exactly follow a healthy lifestyle. I've smoked for almost all of the thirty years I've been alive, and I have been known to drink a fair bit. I don't exactly exercise. The only bit I do, is walk the ten minutes it takes to get to the office in the morning.  
That's when all the trouble started. I was walking into work on Monday morning, and when I was half way there, a pain ran through my chest, and I couldn't catch my breath. I fell to my knees, and the next thing I know, I am waking up in hospital twelve hours later.  
I hated the feeling. It felt like I had missed so much, like part of my life had been taken from me.  
I shake my head and turn my attention back to Dylan James. He is talking about how he is getting on in university. He's twenty one now and he is doing a degree in Art History and English Language. I'm so proud of him. I remember when he started college, and how much he hated it at first. After just a few short months, he loved it, and he spoke of nothing else.  
He's even more into university, and he has found himself a lovely girl, Rebecca. They get on so well, and I just know they are going to be so happy when it comes to them both settling down.  
Dean is almost nineteen, and he's a loose cannon. He left school at sixteen with no qualifications. He gets into trouble with the police a lot, he has a lot of issues that he decides he can't talk about.  
He got his first girlfriend, Jo, pregnant just after he left school, they remained friends, and Balthazar and I see our Grandson a few days a week. Despite Dean's problems, he is a great dad, and he always puts his son first.  
Balthazar and I got the little girl we wanted, Ellen. She's sixteen now and a little stunner. I worry about what message she gives off sometimes, but she just seems so innocent that it feels weird worrying about her. She's doing her exams right now and I just know she will do well.

Balthazar has walked into the room now, and his face is etched with worry, tear marks stain his cheeks.  
He walks across the room and pulls me into a gentle hug. He has barely left my side for the three days I have been in here, and he looks so tired. I tell him to go home, I have told him for the past two days to go home and rest, but he won't listen. He says he's too worried that he might lose me.  
Right now though, he's looking worse than I've ever seen him, and I don't want to be the cause of him getting ill because he has had no sleep. I tell him this and he starts to argue with me.  
I tell him more firmly, that I would like it if he left me. The doctors are here, they will keep me safe, they won't let anything happen to me.  
Reluctantly, Balthazar agrees.  
Dylan James leans over, and he kisses my forehead.  
"I'll see you tomorrow dad!" He smiles at me and leaves.  
Balthazar looks pityingly at me, smiling sadly, he turns and leaves.

I lay back and look at the bland, white walls. My eyes scan the walls until I find the white clock, with the white face, with small black numbers etched into it.  
The clock shows that it is 9pm. Most visitors have left the hospital now, and the only movement I can hear is the nurse's doing their rounds on the last few patients. I guess that in a few minutes, my nurse, Louise, will be along to do her routine check on me. She's a lovely girl, really polite.

_Crash!_

I jump slightly at the sudden noise, and look around the room for the culprit. I see no one, but I do see that my glass of water that was on my bedside table, is now spilling rapidly across the floor, small shards of glass are scattered around the floor.  
I look around again, as if this will bring any new clues. It doesn't, so I lean back against my white pillow, and relax.  
Suddenly, I have this all too familiar feeling.  
"Gabriel?" I call out. "Gabe, are you there?"  
Silence answers me. I shake my head, fighting to keep the tears back. I hate thinking of my past. It makes me want to cry everytime the slightest memory comes to me.  
I haven't seen, felt, or heard from Gabriel in over fifteen years, and I thought he would always be there for me.  
I told myself I had to forget about him, I had to forget about everything that ever happened, because I went through a couple of years of depression that almost caused me and Balthazar to break up.  
He felt he was losing an impossible battle, because I was always talking about Dean...  
Even thinking about him now is bringing the tears to my eyes, and I can't hold them in. They fall over my lids and drip down my face. I leave them streaming, and I think about the few moments me and Dean shared.  
"Don't cry."  
I hear a voice and I almost think I am imagining it. I look up to the door, and again, there is no one there. There is no one in my room either.  
I am so scared to utter the words in my head, the words that I have wanted to be able to say for thirty long years. Rejection has scared me, so I have never uttered the one name I have wanted too.  
Not even back in the first few years of my life. When I laid in bed, late at night, when I couldn't sleep, and I swear I could feel someone there with me, I never made a sound, but now, I decided, I was going too. I couldn't run from rejection forever.  
I take a deep breath, which hurts my chest and makes me wince. With the tears still rolling down my cheeks, I say the name that has haunted me for thirty years.  
"Dean?"

I sigh to myself. Dean isn't here. I'm just wishing, I must be so ill that I am delirious. I shake my head madly.

"Cas, don't cry," the voice says again, and this time I am almost adamant that it is who I think it is. That Dean is there, and he is talking to me.  
"Dean?" I say again, through thick tears. "Dean is that you?"  
"Yeah, It's me!" Dean answers me.  
He sounds just like I remember him, and hearing his voice makes me cry more. I've tried pushing Dean out of my mind for so long now, and it never worked. I have thought about Dean for every day of my life.  
All the feelings I kept bottled up inside of me, now stumble out, I tell Dean everything, I tell him about my life, about how much I needed him there, how much I needed to be able to feel him again.  
Dean tells me that he has been there everyday of my life. He was there the day me and Balthazar got Dylan James, Dean and Ellen. He tells me he is so happy and proud that I named the boys what I did, and he has watched them grow up, wishing they were his own. He tells me that he tries to help Dean Junior sometimes, he tells me he watches out for him, and makes sure he is safe.  
I sob as he tells me that he comes to me at nights, and watches as I sleep. He tells me that he runs his hand through my hair like I used to do to him, and he tells me that it pains him that he cannot feel what he used to.

"I want to see you Dean, I need to see you!" I say to the empty air around me.  
"And you will, Cas! I promise you will!"  
"When?"  
"Soon!" Dean replies.

Louise, my nurse appears in the doorway and looks in.  
"Who were you talking to?" She asks, she looks at my tear stained face with a confused look.  
"No one, I was just... no one!" I say, wiping my eyes quickly.

A few hours pass, and it is nearing midnight.  
I'm trying to breathe, but it is getting harder and harder to draw in breath.  
I start to panic and I wave my hand to the left of me, trying to feel for the panic button to attract the nurses attention. I find it and I hold the button down.  
My breathing is getting worse and worse, and my head feels so light, and there are dots in front of my eyes. I shake my head desperately, trying to make this stop.

"Don't fight it, Cas!" I hear Dean say.  
I look around the room, and I still cannot see him, I see someone else though.  
I almost forget about my breathing problem as I look up at the image of my ex best friend.

Gabriel is looking over me, a small smile on his lips. He puts his hand out, and he brings it too mine, and I know this is it.  
I know this routine like the back of my hand. Gabriel is here to take me away, he is here in my final minutes of life. Just being able to see him again brings the tears back to my eyes, as two nurses and a doctor come into my room.  
The nurses are trying to relax me as the doctor sets up various equipment around the room.  
"Don't worry, Cas, you're going to be ok!" Louise says to me.  
I look up at Gabriel, and I smile. She's right, I will be Ok.  
I hold onto Gabriel's hand tightly as darkness falls around me. The dots in front of my eyes are gone, and they are replaced with black. I can't see anything, but I can hear the doctor requesting one of the nurses to go and get back up. He starts up a resuscitation pattern. I can just about feel him pushing down on my chest, I can feel him breathing down my throat, but it's to no avail.  
I can feel myself slipping further away, I can see bright white light all around me, around Gabriel. And next to Gabriel, I can see him. I can see Dean. He has a baby in his arms, his son, and he is smiling down at me. He is telling me that everything will be alright, that soon everything will be better.  
A few minutes later, and I can feel myself being drawn upwards. My hand is still engulfed by Gabriel's and he is guiding me up. He is smiling down at me still.  
I look around and I see Dean on the other side of me, we are all going upwards, and in just a few seconds, we are somewhere that is so familiar to me. This is where I brought people, including baby Dylan James. I see the angel who I delivered people too, and she smiles at me, and she walks over to me, and she takes me through a cloud. There is nothing amazing up here, just clouds, but it is so peaceful. I look around me for a few seconds, just taking in everything around me, then I turn and look behind me. Dean is stood waiting.  
Dean is watching me, with a smile on his face. When he notices that I am looking over at him, he hands Dylan James over to Gabriel, and he steps up to me.  
"I never forgot how perfect you were!" He said, a tear falls down his cheek. I look at the tear bewildered for a moment, but I leave it.  
"Me, Perfect? Nothing compared to you Dean, you're just as beautiful as you used to be, and I've aged badly!" I sigh, taking in everything about him again, but as if it was for the first time.  
"Castiel, Look at yourself!" Dean remarked, his smile broadening to show off his teeth.

I look down at my body, I look at my hands. I feel my face and I almost fall over in shock. My skin is smooth, and I feel young again.  
"What the...?"  
"You look exactly like you did, the first time I saw you!" Dean smirks, and he puts his arms up around my neck.  
I almost fall over again, I can feel him.  
James notices my look and he smiles again.  
"This life is different from your past as an Angel," he tells me. "You can touch, feel, and you feel emotion here too!"  
"Is that why my heart feels like it is about to plummet to the bottom of my stomach?" I gulp, as I nuzzle my head into Dean's shoulder.  
He laughs slightly.  
He pulls back from the hug and he just stands and looks at me.

I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't know I would be able to feel Dean’s skin against mine again, I didn't know if we would both be able to wait until the day that we saw eachother again.  
But we both did.  
Standing here with Dean now, it is almost like nothing happened. Like nothing changed.  
The one thing I do know though, thirty years went far too slow.  
I don't regret living a life before I came here, that's for sure. I had fun. I watched my babies grow up, and I had someone who loved me. It's unfair to say that I didn't love Balthazar back, because I did, but not in the same way as he loved me, and I know he knew this.  
I will still go back there sometimes, I will see how Dylan James gets on, he wants to be a writer and I know from here, I can still watch him fulfil his dream.  
I will watch over Dean Junior and make sure he doesn't make too much of a mess of his life. I will try and guide him in the right direction.  
And I will watch over my innocent little girl, and keep her out of any trouble that may come her way.  
I will go back, and I will let Balthazar know that I am still around, that I am still here to support him, in one way or another.

This way, I get the best of both worlds. I get to see my family whenever I like.  
But I get to hold Dean in my arms again.  
Just like I always told myself, I was back here with the only person in this world that I have ever really, truly loved.  
I lean into Dean again, and I tell him, just so he doesn't forget, that I love him. I tell him that I loved him from the moment that I laid eyes on him, and everyday up until he left me, and every other day that had passed until now, until this very moment.  
I tell him I have never loved him more than what I love him now.

Dean smiles at me, and he tells me he loves me too, he tells me he hated himself for leaving me so soon after I had joined him, that he thought I would hate him too. He tells me that he has never been happier than he is right now.

Because now, he tells me, we have eternity to be together.

And he's right. Nothing can tear us apart now, there is nothing in this world that could cause us that much pain.

I smile to myself, and I kiss Dean lightly on the forehead.

Eternity has just begun, and I don't see an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is that... please leave feedback :)


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